Tuesday, June 23, 2009

My personal path to Paganism

I have just recently started to consider myself a pagan.I have had the same basic views throughout my whole life, I just didn't put a title to it.I have gone through phases in my life where I strongly searched out meaning and answers to my own spiritual questions, but they never really went anywhere.My family never discussed religion, ever.We never went to church.My mother is either agnostic or atheist, depending on the day you ask.She just doesn't care one way or the other.So I was all alone seeking out my own spiritual path.Around the age of 22 I read the entire bible, both the King James version and the N.I.V.It took me about a year and I must admit some of the King James version I just didn't get. I skipped over much of The Chronicles since it read like the phone book to me, and I would never remember 1/100 of the names there.But I understood the bulk of the bible, it just didn't mean anything to me.The stories were nice ( sometimes ) and I got what they were getting at.And I will even admit for a short time I thought I could get personal meaning out of it.I just had alot of spiritual energy at the time and no real outlet for it, so I applied it there.That lasted almost 2 yrs.I was pretty happy at the time so I understand the 'jesus high' people get off of Christianity a little bit.But to me it was blind irrational joy.I didnt have to worry about anything because I had god.If I did something wrong it was ok if no one else forgave me, because god did.Looking back I realize that I never believed any of it, I just went with it because I thought I was supposed to.It just didnt add up to me, but I wanted to believe in something.Anything.Even if I didnt feel it.I never went to church much and have gone maybe a handful or two of times .So even back then I was solitary in my spiritual beliefs.But as far back as I can remember I have always been drawn to and done things that would be considered paganistic. Even as young as 11 or 12.I remember wanting to stop someone from 'being mean' to me,or something along those lines, and so I drew a picture of them and folded it up a certain number of times , wrapped it with string, put it in a bowl of water and then I said something that Im sure included 'hocus pocus' and watched as the marker bled out of the picture and into the water.I threw the water outside but I don't remember what I did with the picture.I have always read alot, so I'm sure I must have gotten the notion to do that from my own childish understanding of some book I read.I read alot of stuff back then that was NOT on the children's list.I got my set of tarot cards when I was still a young teen and I also did my own astrological chart around the same age.But soon I became a young mother so everything got forgotten that didn't include being a mommy.Then I had another child and I didn't put much, if any, thought to my spirituality.However over the last year or two I have been slowly creeping up to the path I am on now.I am being patient this time around but I am still soaking up as much info as I can.I still spend alot of time at the library and since I live in a very small town I have to order books from other libraries.I get some odd looks from the librarians which amuses me.For this being such a small town I have 4 churches within walking distance of me, so I'm sure you can imagine the mind set of most folks around here. I have kept to myself alot since I have moved to this town.So I'm pretty much a solitary pagan, but I would love to find other like minded people to talk to and learn from.I know I will meet others when and if I'm supposed to.I'm just happy that I found my own path and I'm enjoying the view along the way.

No comments: